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How many people do I have to kill to get a cat? That was the question in my mind while playing this game.
Assassin's Creed: Valhalla is the first Assassin's Creed-game I have ever played. And the only reason I wanted to play it is the fact that you can get a cat in it.
In Valhalla you play as some Viking who goes from Norway to England in search of more people to kill. I must admit that I couldn't care less about the vikings.
There were a few million things that annoyed me at the beginning of the game. Autosaving doesn't always work. It's strange that there isn't an autosave, for example, after all the collectibles. At worst you do a lot of things and collect many collectibles, but even manual saving is not allowed for a long time.
And then there's this: You go a long way somewhere, and slowly climb to the top of a high mountain. And only after all that trouble the game tells you that you can't come to this area yet! The game Vampyr and locked locked locked came to mind. If only the game didn't put the collectibles on the compass if you can't collect them yet.
And then you die when you fall off a mountain, and that previous save was many years ago. At first it seemed that a more honest name for this game would be a mountain climbing simulator.
The game also takes an unusually long time to load. First, we stare at the epilepsy warning for what seems like an eternity. Then we look at the sexual orientations of the game developers. And lastly, you should also always check for add-ons. It is therefore best to turn the game on well in advance of the desired playing time, so that it might then eventually be ready to be played.
Like I said, the only reason I wanted to play Valhalla is because you can get a cat in it. A cat for your boat/ship. As soon as I got to England, I rushed on a journey to find this cat in question.
How to find Nali the ship cat?
This very special cat resides in East Anglia part of England, in a town called Northwic.
After getting the cat you can stop playing the game? Nali the ship cat doesn't do anything, she just looks cute.
It was worth continuing though. I met a crazy cat lady, and her herd of cats.
Can you pet the cats in Assassin's Creed: Valhalla?
Yes, you can.
Proclamation for those who love cats:
In the end, I also ran into a cat (and a dog) in my own camp. And later I got a wolf and a fox to my home base as well.
But of course I got addicted to this game. "Just one more ball." But they say there are 784 balls (missions) in the game! And that figure includes only the big balls, there are even more small ones.
So I became addicted to a game I don't even like. And my neck hurt because of playing this game. And as a trophy hunter I don't like the fact that Valhalla has so few trophies.
Then a terrible tragedy happened. I met another crazy cat lady who had spent 11 years at her cat's grave. During that time, the kittens of that dead cat had probably already grown up.
I accidentally killed many of those kittens by burning them. No punishment would be enough for me. I want every game to have an option to shoot myself if something like this happens.
At first I wanted to publish pictures of this horror show, but then I realized that I personally never want to see that kind of photos either. I always dream of artificial intelligence or something that would automatically censor all the news (e.g. animal cruelty) and images (e.g. dead bodies) from everywhere (including paper magazines) from me that I don't want to see.
Well, I'll put some screencaps here, which describe me well.
"They do nothing but shit and complain."
"And people are sick of you"!
The baker made the mistake of starting a permanent relationship with me, and this happened immediately after the first night together. After that, I still cheated on the baker a couple of times, and I waited with fear that he would somehow find out about it. But he didn't.
Asgard was a shitty place, and Jotunheim even shittier. Then I had a "I have had enough"- moment, and I quit. Except I didn't quit. It was sad to realize that even Jotunheim's balls are required for the trophy.
171 hours later I got all the balls done/collected. I already experienced the highlight of the game when I got to talk with Ratatosk the
squirrel.
And since I'm desperately trying to report about animals in games, I should tell you that besides cats and a squirrel Valhalla has lots of other animals as well. Horses, chicken, cows, birds, just to name a few. And there are even some missions involving them.
While originally writing this post I thought I should start a new blog or something for my game screencaps... oh, wait.
This should have probably been the first post of this blog...
Yes, the current banner image of this blog is from Assassin's Creed: Valhalla.
